A gift for myself...

I began a process not too long ago. Seeking God. Seeking for healing and redemption. For peace and deliverance. A process that was brought-on by anxiety and has turned into the best decision I’ve made for myself. I seek to be a better version of myself, healthy physically, emotionally, mentally as well as spiritually.

 

 

                One of my favorite bible verses is “create in me a pure heart, o God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” – Psalm 51:10. I love this verse because of many reasons. Growing up “positive reinforcement” was just not the norm for my mom. Verbal abuse was an every-day thing, so whenever an “outsider”- friend of the family, relative or stranger would tell me “You have such a beautiful heart” it made sense to the point that, my heart became the only thing I Loved about myself.

                My constant prayer to God was always “Please Lord, don’t allow things, people or circumstances change my heart, it’s the only good thing about me”

 

                Not knowing God on a personal level most of my life, I didn’t come across this verse until a little over 6 yrs. ago.  It made me truly self-examine and search deep. It made me think of forgiveness. As Christians we want to know and believe we don’t harbor “un forgiveness” in our heart.

Of course with matters of the heart- this becomes a little harder. How can we be sure? What is True forgiveness? What does that look like? How do we get there?

One evening, before my process started, I was having a whole-hearted conversation about this very topic with a good friend. We began to talk and came to a Halt. Where was I in my forgiveness process? At the end of this conversation I felt like a ton of bricks were dropped on me, it seemed as though I was unable to forgive [ in this case my mother] because it felt as if I was letting her “off the hook”

I felt broken all over again, how can this be? Although unintentional, I was perhaps harboring feelings of un forgiveness. This went against everything I had tried to do, prayed for and wanted for myself. It seemed that “Forgiveness” was a bit unclear to me.

What does it mean to forgive? Does it mean the ‘slate’ is wiped clean and you start from scratch with that person, as if nothing ever happened? Do you reconcile? Do you turn your cheek 1 million times to prove you have forgiven?

 The very thought forgiving my mother almost paralyzed me from fear. Fear that I may have to reconcile, and let her in my “safe-space”. My safe-space was the place I now resided, far away from her harm, far enough where she could no longer physically hurt me, but it was so clear that she could still hurt me emotionally and mentally.

What if in my “healing process” God asks me to let her back in? I have to abide by his word right? But it’s scary when you don’t know what he will ask of you when you truly surrender.

The bible says “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established’. And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses to even hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” Matthew 18:15-17

Having tried to exhaust my physical means to proceed, and move forward, without bondage, baggage or pain, I tried to bring up my thoughts and emotions regarding the problems between mother and daughter I’ve been carrying for most of the years of my life. It was this verse that brought me some peace. Because I had done what the bible said to do, and meant it. Obeying Gods word is extremely important to me, so I needed his truth not just to rely on my own understanding of the situation.  Further down in that same chapter, verse 19 Jesus says “Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven”.

I have come to realize something, I cannot force anyone to do anything. I cannot rely on others’ actions for my own recovery. Closure is for me. I must fight for it. Forgiving someone isn’t “letting them off the hook” its letting MYSELF go FREE!! Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself!!!!  After ears of baggage, burdens, I surrendered them to God.   “Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” – Matthew 11:28 All I can do from here on out is pray.

Prayer is powerful.

 ”Confess your trespasses to one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much” – James 5:16.  I can pray for my own healing as well as for my mother’s. I can pray for my deliverance, as well as for my mother’s. I can pray for redemption for the both of us according to Gods will, not ours.

 In this I find peace. I find FREEEDOM.

 

 

“I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born” Isaiah 66:9

God’s promises are real. His word is truth. I may not know what the future holds, I know that as long as I keep my eyes on Him, I’m in the best hands.

“For I know the thoughts I have towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil,  to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11